The Past 28 Hours

November 30th feels like years ago.

I was about to enter my third month of seminary and I slowly found myself revisiting old habits. Up until the middle of November, I had been doing great; my attendance was perfect, my note taking was on point, and I was finally settled enough to take advantage of the opportunities afforded me. But as the adrenaline of this new experience began to die down an old friend started making his way back into my life.

I thought that I had left Senioritis behind in high school. During my senior year, I had justified my overly laid back attitude by promising myself that seminary would be different. I reassured myself that I would never let my laziness get in the way of my learning or growth. However, as the days crept by, my closely held justifications lost all validity. Old habits are hard to break and self motivation had never been my forte. So instead of swimming against the familiar current of my indolence, I let the waves wash over me; I started hitting the snooze on my alarm and dozing off in the back of the class.

Therefore, when the 30 for 30 challenge was presented to the school on November 30th, I didn’t give it much thought. The rules were as follows: for the thirty days in between November 30th and December 29th each student was challenged to learn for an hour a day. This hour had to be allotted specifically for the competition and it could not be during class time. As the administrator was explaining the details he uttered my two favorite words.

“This challenge is all about SELF MOTIVATION.” He shouted.

And with that I was out. This challenge was made for the girl I wasn’t, but always strived to be. Deep down I believed that accepting this test would be setting myself up for failure. I wasn’t the type of girl who could sit down with a sefer and learn for thirty days straight while cataloging my specific start and stop times on a graph. I wasn’t the type of girl who set aside time for herself to read and got engrossed in novel after novel. And most of all, I wasn’t the type of girl who could be pushed out of her comfort zone.

When I first learned about 30 for 30, I was immediately turned off, not because I thought it was a waste of time, but because I was too scared to go beyond myself. While all of my friends were hurrying to pick their seferim, I sat down with myself and came to terms with the fact that, although it was a strong possibility that I wouldn’t complete the task, I didn’t travel 5,893 miles to sit on the sidelines. I got up, walked into the Beis, and changed my outlook on what it meant to fail.

I am proud to say that it is day 28 and I have pushed every comfort zone known to man. I can now say that I am the type of girl who can shteig over a sefer and have intellectual conversations with her peers. I am the type of girl who can become infatuated with a book and actually get excited as the pages turn. And most of all, I am the type of girl who no longer relies on the inertia of others.

Learn to fail or fail to learn, thank G-d I chose the former.